'I think someone I love is in an abusive relationship… but I don’t know how to help.'
May is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, a time to shine a light on the realities of family and domestic violence, including the forms of abuse that are often invisible to the outside world.
When somebody you love is in a controlling or abusive relationship, it can feel heartbreaking to watch.
You may feel helpless. Confused. Frustrated. Terrified for them.
You may spend sleepless nights wondering:
'Should I say something?'
'What if I’m wrong?'
'Why don’t they just leave?
'How do I help without pushing them away?'
And one of the hardest parts can be feeling completely powerless while somebody you care about slowly changes before your eyes.
Often, domestic and family violence does not begin with physical violence.
It can start quietly. Gradually. Subtly.
A person who was once confident and independent may become anxious, withdrawn or isolated. They may stop seeing friends as much. They may constantly check in with their partner, apologise excessively, or seem fearful of making the “wrong” decision.
Over time, coercive and controlling behaviours can chip away at somebody’s confidence, freedom, financial independence and sense of self.
Abuse is not always physical
Family and domestic violence can include:
- coercive control
- emotional or psychological abuse
- intimidation and threats
- financial abuse or control
- isolation from family and friends
- monitoring phones, social media or whereabouts
- manipulation, humiliation or gaslighting
- physical or sexual violence
Coercive control is often about power, fear and control, and it can leave somebody feeling trapped long before physical violence occurs.
Some signs to gently look out for
Every situation is different, but some common warning signs may include:
- They seem anxious about upsetting their partner
- Their personality has changed or they seem “smaller” than they used to
- They cancel plans frequently or withdraw socially
- Their partner constantly checks where they are or who they are with
- They no longer have access to money or need permission to spend
- Their partner controls passwords, banking or finances
- They seem financially trapped despite working or contributing
- They are criticised, belittled or humiliated regularly
- They make excuses for controlling behaviour
- They appear exhausted, hypervigilant or emotionally drained
- They seem fearful about leaving or speaking openly
- They have become isolated from support networks
- They describe “walking on eggshells” at home
Sometimes there are no visible signs at all.
And sometimes the person experiencing abuse may not fully recognise what is happening themselves, especially when the behaviour has been normalised over time.
So… how can you help?
The truth is, there is no perfect script. But compassion matters.
A calm, gentle: 'I’ve noticed you don’t seem yourself lately. I’m here if you ever want to talk.' can mean more than you realise.
Try to create a safe, judgement-free space where they feel believed, supported and not pressured.
Avoid:
- criticising their partner aggressively
- asking 'why don’t you just leave?'
- taking over or making decisions for them
- pushing them before they are ready.
People often ask, 'Why don’t they just leave?'
But the reality is far more complicated than many people realise. Statistically, it can take a victim-survivor around seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship permanently. For many, leaving is not simply about ending a relationship; it involves navigating fear, trauma, financial dependence, children, housing insecurity, emotional attachment, manipulation, and concerns around safety.
In fact, the period immediately after separation is often considered one of the highest-risk times for escalation of abuse or violence. This is why compassionate support, professional guidance and safe exit planning are so important.
From an emotional perspective, there is also often a deep trauma bond at play. Relationships involving coercive control can create intense emotional highs and lows, leaving victim-survivors feeling confused, emotionally attached, hopeful for change, or responsible for “fixing” the relationship. In many cases, victim-survivors are not only grieving the relationship- they are grieving the future they hoped for, the version of the person they fell in love with, and the life they thought they were building.
Practical ways you can support somebody
Support does not always need to be dramatic or immediate. Quiet, practical support can be life-changing.
You may be able to:
- check in regularly without pressure
- help them reconnect with support networks
- offer transport or a safe place to stay
- keep copies of important documents safe
- help them set aside emergency money or essentials
- establish a “safe word” for emergencies
- accompany them to appointments or legal meetings
- encourage professional counselling or support services
- help them explore safe exit planning when they are ready.
Safe exit plans matter
One of the most important things to understand is that leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.
That is why safety planning is so important.
A safe exit plan may involve:
- speaking with a domestic violence support service
- documenting incidents safely
- preparing emergency contacts
- organising finances and important documents
- planning secure accommodation
- obtaining legal advice early
- ensuring children’s safety needs are considered.
Trying to leave suddenly without support can sometimes increase risk, which is why professional guidance can be incredibly important.
And finally...look after yourself too!
Supporting somebody through family violence can be emotionally exhausting and deeply distressing.
You may feel guilt, anger, fear or frustration watching somebody you love struggle.
Remember: you cannot “rescue” somebody on your own.
But consistent support, patience, compassion and helping somebody feel less alone can make an enormous difference.
If you or somebody you know needs support, services such as the Domestic Violence Crisis Service (DVCS), 1800RESPECT and the Women’s Legal Centre ACT can provide confidential support, safety planning and guidance.
If you would like a confidential call about your circumstances, contact us today. We have discreet phone and online appointments available.